As a mom, you constantly wonder if you are raising your kids right. Every kid has downfalls and things they struggle with and you see other children excelling in those same areas and can't help but wonder what you are doing wrong as a parent. Little nagging thoughts pop up and you wonder if you are enough and if you are preparing your child well enough for life in our super complicated and crazy world. I guess that's why mom's like to compare notes so much. "My kids is still waking up at night. When did yours start sleeping through the night?", "How do you get your kid to eat brocolli? Mine never will." etc. I catch myself doing it all the time. When a friend of mine posts up videos of her child, who is quite a bit younger than mine writing his alphabet, and mine can still only write an A, I feel a little bad that my child isn't there yet. I wonder if I'm not working with him enough, or if he is slow, but I know that the answer to both of these questions is no, and that I should instead be celebrating my friend's child and his capabilities while celebrating my own child's very different unique capabilities (which most involve acting out Nintendo fight scenes). All kids are different.
I guess this is why it bothers me so much when I see viral mommy blog articles telling moms how to parent. Just this week I have seen no less than four mommy blog articles being passed around on Facebook. Here's what they were about, and my reactions to them:
#1 Was a plea to mothers to stop playing around with their phones or other electronics while they were at the park with their children, stating that their children really want mommy to watch them. It was emotionally charged and very guilt ridden. You couldn't help but feel like a crappy mom if were guilty of looking away from your child, EVER. Obviously it has a point that should be noted- we should always try to pay attention to our kids. They are one of the greatest experiences we will have in life and we should savor our time with them. But guess what? Life is busy, and what's so wrong about checking your email while your kid is on the playground. You are obviously a good mom, taking your child to the park. And ya, you should put some time in chasing your kid around or catching them at the bottom of the slide, but if you need a break, as all moms do, by all means, take one. We expect so much out of moms in our society. We want women to be able to "do it all." There is no room for short comings or exhaustion. Woman must be perfect mothers at all time! Right? (Dads too!)
#2 Was the exact opposite. A plea to mothers to tone it down a bit, specifically when it came to holidays, stating that moms shouldn't feel like they have to do so much all the time. To which I thought, Tone down the holidays? Are you crazy? The holidays are my favorite. I'm constantly looking for ways to do MORE for the holidays. I love celebrating. It brings me out of the funk of every day feeling the same as a stay at home mom. It breaks up my time to have something to look forward to and count down to with my son and he loves it too! We are holiday crazy at our house!
#3 I can't remember at the moment, cause it's 3am. But believe me, I saw one.
#4 I just read while sitting here at 3am nursing my baby. It bothered me enough that I had to write this post. It was an article called something like Why I Don't Teach My Kid To Share. Stating that when kids share we are teaching the receiver of the sharing that they can have any toy any time they want. Sure, that may be true and I always have taught my child that if another child doesn't want to share not to get upset by it, sometimes you don't want to share things. But what about the kid that isn't doing the sharing? What are they learning? That they can always have whatever they want for however long they want even if by doing so they are making another child visibly upset? That they should ignore another child who really wants that toy because they had it first, so screw that kid, right? Do we really think teaching other kids to be ok with disappointment by not having our children share is more important that teaching our own child how to deal with the disappointment of not always getting to dominate in every situation. Do we really want to raise children who value capitalistic ideals of what's mine is mine and first come first serve over ideals of compassion, and kindness? I sure don't. I hella teach my kid to share, but you know what? If you don't, I am ok with that. And my kid should be too.
As parents we are pretty good at telling other people what to do. It's in our job description. But few things get under my skin the way we as moms like to tell each other what to do. No matter how you are raising your child there is, no doubt, someone who thinks you are doing it wrong and would love to tell you so. Everyone has an opinion on everything, and they should, because they are doing the job themselves, but there is no reason for that opinion to spill over on to others. I teach my kid to share, but if you don't that is fine. I will also teach my child how to deal with kids that have a different set of rules than he does. That's real life- teaching kids to deal with very diverse people who have diverse personalities and diverse ideas about the world. I don't wish everyone would parent like me. I don't want to tell people how to raise their kids, because their kids aren't my kids. I don't know them and they don't know me. What works for one family doesn't always work for another, and that's why I want to see an end to mommy blogs telling other moms how raise their children. Just stop. Every family situation is different. Stop looking at the mom on her phone at the park and judging her- maybe she has been playing dress up with her kid all morning and is now ordering her child's favorite dinner so they can pick it up on the way home. Or maybe she is taking a 15 minute break to play Angry Birds because sitting next to a park full of screaming children and knowing that one of them might break their leg at any second is the most peace she will get all day. Stop comparing yourself to the mom that goes all out on holidays. She isn't making you feel inadequate, you are doing that all on your own. Who cares that the neighbors next door have more Christmas lights than you? I promise is won't ruin your kid's childhood (even if they say it will). And for goodness sake, stop nitpicking tiny details like whether you should teach your kid to share. Stop telling everyone to parent exactly the way you do. Everyone can and should parent how they see fit for their particular situation with their particular kid. Parenting is already incredibly difficult. Let's stop making it more so by constantly measuring ourselves up to each other, judging others and spreading that crap all over for everyone to see. I think that we, as women, do a huge disservice to ourselves by constantly being so critical of one another, and ourselves.
Bottom line is, you usually feel like you know what's best for your kid. Well, other people feel like they know what's best for their kid too, and those two things aren't always going to be the same. Sometimes I feel really bad that I have decided to start weening my 6 month old from breastfeeding, because some other moms think that is the wrong thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I am doing something wrong by letting my 4 yr old still use sippy cups. Sometimes other moms think I am crazy that I refuse to let my children cry it out and instead stay up all night with them for the first few years. (Oh wait, sometimes I think I am crazy for that one too.) But every decision I have made I have made for a reason. I have thought it out, weighed the consequences and decided what is best for my family and myself, and that is the best you can do. I need to stop feeling judged and inadequate. I need to stop listening to complete stranger's opinions like they somehow are better or more qualified for parenting than I. I need to have the very confidence that I am trying so hard to instill in my own child. When I need advice I can seek it out from qualified professionals, but I think having advice thrown at me all the time when I am not asking for it is detrimental. So mostly, I just need to stop clicking into opinionated mommy blog posts like this one :)
#4 I just read while sitting here at 3am nursing my baby. It bothered me enough that I had to write this post. It was an article called something like Why I Don't Teach My Kid To Share. Stating that when kids share we are teaching the receiver of the sharing that they can have any toy any time they want. Sure, that may be true and I always have taught my child that if another child doesn't want to share not to get upset by it, sometimes you don't want to share things. But what about the kid that isn't doing the sharing? What are they learning? That they can always have whatever they want for however long they want even if by doing so they are making another child visibly upset? That they should ignore another child who really wants that toy because they had it first, so screw that kid, right? Do we really think teaching other kids to be ok with disappointment by not having our children share is more important that teaching our own child how to deal with the disappointment of not always getting to dominate in every situation. Do we really want to raise children who value capitalistic ideals of what's mine is mine and first come first serve over ideals of compassion, and kindness? I sure don't. I hella teach my kid to share, but you know what? If you don't, I am ok with that. And my kid should be too.
As parents we are pretty good at telling other people what to do. It's in our job description. But few things get under my skin the way we as moms like to tell each other what to do. No matter how you are raising your child there is, no doubt, someone who thinks you are doing it wrong and would love to tell you so. Everyone has an opinion on everything, and they should, because they are doing the job themselves, but there is no reason for that opinion to spill over on to others. I teach my kid to share, but if you don't that is fine. I will also teach my child how to deal with kids that have a different set of rules than he does. That's real life- teaching kids to deal with very diverse people who have diverse personalities and diverse ideas about the world. I don't wish everyone would parent like me. I don't want to tell people how to raise their kids, because their kids aren't my kids. I don't know them and they don't know me. What works for one family doesn't always work for another, and that's why I want to see an end to mommy blogs telling other moms how raise their children. Just stop. Every family situation is different. Stop looking at the mom on her phone at the park and judging her- maybe she has been playing dress up with her kid all morning and is now ordering her child's favorite dinner so they can pick it up on the way home. Or maybe she is taking a 15 minute break to play Angry Birds because sitting next to a park full of screaming children and knowing that one of them might break their leg at any second is the most peace she will get all day. Stop comparing yourself to the mom that goes all out on holidays. She isn't making you feel inadequate, you are doing that all on your own. Who cares that the neighbors next door have more Christmas lights than you? I promise is won't ruin your kid's childhood (even if they say it will). And for goodness sake, stop nitpicking tiny details like whether you should teach your kid to share. Stop telling everyone to parent exactly the way you do. Everyone can and should parent how they see fit for their particular situation with their particular kid. Parenting is already incredibly difficult. Let's stop making it more so by constantly measuring ourselves up to each other, judging others and spreading that crap all over for everyone to see. I think that we, as women, do a huge disservice to ourselves by constantly being so critical of one another, and ourselves.
Bottom line is, you usually feel like you know what's best for your kid. Well, other people feel like they know what's best for their kid too, and those two things aren't always going to be the same. Sometimes I feel really bad that I have decided to start weening my 6 month old from breastfeeding, because some other moms think that is the wrong thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I am doing something wrong by letting my 4 yr old still use sippy cups. Sometimes other moms think I am crazy that I refuse to let my children cry it out and instead stay up all night with them for the first few years. (Oh wait, sometimes I think I am crazy for that one too.) But every decision I have made I have made for a reason. I have thought it out, weighed the consequences and decided what is best for my family and myself, and that is the best you can do. I need to stop feeling judged and inadequate. I need to stop listening to complete stranger's opinions like they somehow are better or more qualified for parenting than I. I need to have the very confidence that I am trying so hard to instill in my own child. When I need advice I can seek it out from qualified professionals, but I think having advice thrown at me all the time when I am not asking for it is detrimental. So mostly, I just need to stop clicking into opinionated mommy blog posts like this one :)
I think your point "She isn't making you feel inadequate, you are doing that all on your own" perfectly sums up the problem. Do what you think is best, and be happy with it. Who cares what that other mom thinks? That said, I think it's a good idea to read about various parenting methods and the reasoning behind them. If you don't think it will work for your kid, move on. But you might learn something that will help you.
ReplyDeleteErin, I have always appreciated your ability to be your own person. Thanks for reminding me to celebrate who I am as a mother!!!! Love ya, friend!
ReplyDeleteHow did you know what people thought about before Faceblurb? We live in a time of just way too much information. Those dim bulb women who have to convince others that their way is the right way are so insecure about their way that they've taken to the "misery loves company" theory and figure that by posting their inane "I'm a great mom" commentaries on Facebunk, that they must be right....Right? Of course I'm right, I put it out there on the interweb and everyone knows that if it's in the cloud it must be from God.
ReplyDeleteHere's what you do - next time one of the mom posts gets to you, just think about me, and how much I love you, Atlas, Cosby, and yes, even Nick, and then think how much I could give a hoot about the uptight mom post. You know that I'm never wrong (It's a curse, but I deal with it.) So if I don't care about it, then it really doesn't matter....does it?
Love - DAD