Bix

This past week has been pretty sucky. We made one of the hardest decisions we've ever made. We gave Bixler away. Bixler was a member of our family for over 5 years and we loved him, but his behavior was impossible for us to deal with. Bix was always a pretty bad dog, always did bad things and was incredibly embarrassing, but we could manage. When we moved out here he became unmanageable. He was making our lives pretty miserable- chewing up toys, howling, peeing on EVERYTHING, pooping in the house, being aggressive towards other dogs, ripping apart garbage and leaving messes all over the house, which would then cause him to throw up, waking us up in the middle of the night constantly and eating food you were eating right out of your hands or off the of the table while I was preparing dinner to name a few. We literally tried everything possible- expensive personal trainers, babysitters, shock collars, bark collars, spray collars, choke collars, different diets, lime spray, progressive exposure to other dogs, kenneling, even prescribed anxiety medication, reading and educating ourselves about dog training and beagles as much as possible, but nothing was helping. He was either asleep or doing something bad. I have loved him so much in the past, but it was to a point where I just felt so much anger towards him at all times that I really felt like I hated him. Almost all my interactions with him turned into me screaming profanities at him or cleaning up pee or poop. He would make me so angry and I would carry that over on to the boys. I felt like I was going crazy- going from diaper duty, to feeding kids, to holding a screaming baby while simultaneously playing with a 3 year old is hard enough without having the constantly clean up and discipline a dog that would jump up onto the couch and pee on it while looking straight into your eyes. I couldn't take it. I'm already on the verge of being crazy, and he was pushing me over the edge.

Nick and I promised when we got Bixler that we would take care of him til the end. We swore that we would do anything for that dog. That if he say, got cancer or something, we would pay whatever to help him through it, that we would never leave him. When other people gave up their dogs I always looked at it like giving up your kid, like it was not compassionate, it was self centered, neglectful. I mean, why get a dog if you aren't going to take care of it? And because we both feel this way, we held on to Bixler through A LOT of rough times. When we first moved here I didn't even leave the house for months because animal control was threatening to take him away because he would howl if left home alone. We had to get a babysitter to come over with him so that we could even go to church. We found a trainer that helped him a lot, but none of the training seemed to stick. We eventually (with an insane amount of work) got him to stop barking when we left if we put a bark collar on him, but he started getting worse in other areas that we just couldn't train him out of. Bix was bad in every way, except with kids, and I loved to imagine them growing up together. Atlas has known Bixler his entire life! I would imagine Bixler hopefully getting more mellow in his old age, and Atlas growing strong enough to take him on walks. I never thought we would eventually be unable to care for Bixler.

 Beagles need a lot of exercise. They are incredibly playful. When we downsized into our small apartment he started going more crazy (as we all have). I really believe Bixler could be a good dog for someone who has a yard and maybe another dog friend. We believe he could start over, or at least hope there is someone out there that can take care of him, so we took him to the Providence Animal Rescue League or PARL. PARL is great because, unlike many dog shelters, they have no "expiration date." Dogs that are accepted there don't get euthanized after a certain time period if no one adopts them. They can live there forever if needs be. Because of this policy, they don't take just any dog. They evaluate the dog to see if they feel they can work with it and help it become adoptable. They have had Bixler since Tuesday now and are evaluating him. So, it is possible he could be rejected and come back to us, but I don't think (and hope) that he won't be.

 Nick took him away Tuesday and we all cried, all day long. Atlas was inconsolable for a time and I felt like the worst person (and mom) on Earth. We all feel like failures that we couldn't take care of him. Since then I have felt nearly every possible emotion: guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, loss, grief, but also a sense of calm, relief, peace. We took nearly a year and a half to make this decision, and I think we made the right decision, but we will always be greatly saddened by how it all turned out. I wish more than anything that it could have been different. We still care deeply for him, and call the shelter to check up and see how he is doing, and will continue to do so until he finds a new home, at which point we will pray our guts out that he will behave for them enough that they will keep him. Atlas seems to be totally fine now. Nick and I still find ourselves pretty depressed about it all, but I am feeling a little better every day. A big weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but a little piece of me got taken with it.