A mommy blog post about hating mommy blog posts

First off, I will warn you that this post is fraught with irony.

As a mom, you constantly wonder if you are raising your kids right. Every kid has downfalls and things they struggle with and you see other children excelling in those same areas and can't help but wonder what you are doing wrong as a parent. Little nagging thoughts pop up and you wonder if you are enough and if you are preparing your child well enough for life in our super complicated and crazy world. I guess that's why mom's like to compare notes so much. "My kids is still waking up at night. When did yours start sleeping through the night?", "How do you get your kid to eat brocolli? Mine never will." etc. I catch myself doing it all the time. When a friend of mine posts up videos of her child, who is quite a bit younger than mine writing his alphabet, and mine can still only write an A, I feel a little bad that my child isn't there yet. I wonder if I'm not working with him enough, or if he is slow, but I know that the answer to both of these questions is no, and that I should instead be celebrating my friend's child and his capabilities while celebrating my own child's very different unique capabilities (which most involve acting out Nintendo fight scenes). All kids are different.
I guess this is why it bothers me so much when I see viral mommy blog articles telling moms how to parent. Just this week I have seen no less than four mommy blog articles being passed around on Facebook. Here's what they were about, and my reactions to them:
#1 Was a plea to mothers to stop playing around with their phones or other electronics while they were at the park with their children, stating that their children really want mommy to watch them. It was emotionally charged and very guilt ridden. You couldn't help but feel like a crappy mom if were guilty of looking away from your child, EVER. Obviously it has a point that should be noted- we should always try to pay attention to our kids. They are one of the greatest experiences we will have in life and we should savor our time with them. But guess what? Life is busy, and what's so wrong about checking your email while your kid is on the playground. You are obviously a good mom, taking your child to the park. And ya, you should put some time in chasing your kid around or catching them at the bottom of the slide, but if you need a break, as all moms do, by all means, take one. We expect so much out of moms in our society. We want women to be able to "do it all." There is no room for short comings or exhaustion. Woman must be perfect mothers at all time! Right? (Dads too!)
#2 Was the exact opposite. A plea to mothers to tone it down a bit, specifically when it came to holidays, stating that moms shouldn't feel like they have to do so much all the time. To which I thought, Tone down the holidays? Are you crazy? The holidays are my favorite. I'm constantly looking for ways to do MORE for the holidays. I love celebrating. It brings me out of the funk of every day feeling the same as a stay at home mom. It breaks up my time to have something to look forward to and count down to with my son and he loves it too! We are holiday crazy at our house!

#3 I can't remember at the moment, cause it's 3am. But believe me, I saw one.
#4 I just read while sitting here at 3am nursing my baby. It bothered me enough that I had to write this post. It was an article called something like Why I Don't Teach My Kid To Share. Stating that when kids share we are teaching the receiver of the sharing that they can have any toy any time they want. Sure, that may be true and I always have taught my child that if another child doesn't want to share not to get upset by it, sometimes you don't want to share things. But what about the kid that isn't doing the sharing? What are they learning? That they can always have whatever they want for however long they want even if by doing so they are making another child visibly upset? That they should ignore another child who really wants that toy because they had it first, so screw that kid, right? Do we really think teaching other kids to be ok with disappointment by not having our children share is more important that teaching our own child how to deal with the disappointment of not always getting to dominate in every situation. Do we really want to raise children who value capitalistic ideals of what's mine is mine and first come first serve over ideals of compassion, and kindness? I sure don't. I hella teach my kid to share, but you know what? If you don't, I am ok with that. And my kid should be too.
As parents we are pretty good at telling other people what to do. It's in our job description. But few things get under my skin the way we as moms like to tell each other what to do. No matter how you are raising your child there is, no doubt, someone who thinks you are doing it wrong and would love to tell you so. Everyone has an opinion on everything, and they should, because they are doing the job themselves, but there is no reason for that opinion to spill over on to others. I teach my kid to share, but if you don't that is fine. I will also teach my child how to deal with kids that have a different set of rules than he does. That's real life- teaching kids to deal with very diverse people who have diverse personalities and diverse ideas about the world. I don't wish everyone would parent like me. I don't want to tell people how to raise their kids, because their kids aren't my kids. I don't know them and they don't know me. What works for one family doesn't always work for another, and that's why I want to see an end to mommy blogs telling other moms how raise their children. Just stop. Every family situation is different. Stop looking at the mom on her phone at the park and judging her- maybe she has been playing dress up with her kid all morning and is now ordering her child's favorite dinner so they can pick it up on the way home. Or maybe she is taking a 15 minute break to play Angry Birds because sitting next to a park full of screaming children and knowing that one of them might break their leg at any second is the most peace she will get all day. Stop comparing yourself to the mom that goes all out on holidays. She isn't making you feel inadequate, you are doing that all on your own. Who cares that the neighbors next door have more Christmas lights than you? I promise is won't ruin your kid's childhood (even if they say it will). And for goodness sake, stop nitpicking tiny details like whether you should teach your kid to share. Stop telling everyone to parent exactly the way you do. Everyone can and should parent how they see fit for their particular situation with their particular kid. Parenting is already incredibly difficult. Let's stop making it more so by constantly measuring ourselves up to each other, judging others and spreading that crap all over for everyone to see. I think that we, as women, do a huge disservice to ourselves by constantly being so critical of one another, and ourselves.
Bottom line is, you usually feel like you know what's best for your kid. Well, other people feel like they know what's best for their kid too, and those two things aren't always going to be the same. Sometimes I feel really bad that I have decided to start weening my 6 month old from breastfeeding, because some other moms think that is the wrong thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I am doing something wrong by letting my 4 yr old still use sippy cups. Sometimes other moms think I am crazy that I refuse to let my children cry it out and instead stay up all night with them for the first few years. (Oh wait, sometimes I think I am crazy for that one too.) But every decision I have made I have made for a reason. I have thought it out, weighed the consequences and decided what is best for my family and myself, and that is the best you can do. I need to stop feeling judged and inadequate.  I need to stop listening to complete stranger's opinions like they somehow are better or more qualified for parenting than I. I need to have the very confidence that I am trying so hard to instill in my own child. When I need advice I can seek it out from qualified professionals, but I think having advice thrown at me all the time when I am not asking for it is detrimental. So mostly, I just need to stop clicking into opinionated mommy blog posts like this one :) 

March is an odd month. One day it's a beautiful promising Spring day, and then it's snowing by nightfall. (Especially here in RI) And that seems to be how everything is going lately. Things haven't really been going our way lately, with news from schools, Bix, getting told our car is on it's last leg... but March is also an exciting month for us. Nick and I celebrated out 7th anniversary. (Although, celebrate isn't really the word, since we didn't actually do anything. Anniversaries are for going out, and going out is for people with babysitters, and babysitters are for people who live by family or have money, but still.) I have been polishing my baking skills by making lovely cakes We gave this one to Nick's professor and his wife, but I am pretty sure it tasted as delicious as it looks

Cosby has gotten cuter, and harder. He really wants to be mobile, but isn't quite there yet. He doesn't want to lay around and constantly wants to be entertained. He can sit up for a little bit, then topples over. He hates being on his stomach and is teaching himself how to crawl around by arching his back and kicking his legs. He loves to scratch you, smack you, and growl at you.

I sent Atlas on a treasure hunt on St. Patrick's Day, and he thought that was pretty awesome. Then, the next day was his 4th birthday. He opened presents shortly after waking up and we played for a while. He really wanted some Legos and I am excited for him to have something that keeps him busy and creative, but I am also a little terrified because I know the pieces are going to end up scattered about and Cosby is getting pretty close to moving on his own, and loves putting everything in his mouth, and, as you can see, we have a rug that camouflages everything. Even after I think I have picked up every little toy I always find more by either stepping on them or sucking one up in the vacuum.

After a burrito lunch at Chipotle (which Atlas deemed his "best food") we surprised him with a trip to a place called Monkey Joe's, which basically is just a bunch of bounce toys. He really wanted a birthday party this year, but the weather wasn't good enough to have one in the park and our place is a little too small to accommodate one, so we really wanted to help him have a good birthday in compensation  He was really happy all day and really like bouncing around, although after an hour he had the cutest pink cheeks and had exerted all his energy and was ready to go home.

We went to the toy store to use some birthday money and he had a great time picking out his new toy. He was very meticulous and made sure he got the right thing. He was very happy with his purchase.

In the evening we had a pasta dinner. (If Atlas had his way, every meal would be noodles) Then we ate cake. I made his the ugliest cake on Earth due to my original plans horribly failing and me running out of time, but he still loved it. He was so happy and kept saying stuff like "Thanks so much for my cake mom! I'm so proud of you for making it! You can pick out any toy in my toy box to have since you made me that cake. On your birthday I am going to give you such a good surprise!" etc, so even though it was lumpy, and Wreck It Ralph looked like a 10 yr old drew it, it all was fine in the end.

After we ate cake he helped draw with food coloring markers on some fondant for cupcakes to take to his preschool class on Tuesday (today). I got to be the parent at preschool and hang out with Atlas, which is always tons of fun. There are lots of cute kids in his class that are a blast to be around.

Every birthday that Nick has he complains about feeling older/ talks about how weird it is that he is that old. I never feel that way on my own birthdays, but Atlas's birthday sure did it to me. My carpel tunnel flared up from kneading a ton of fondant for the cake (which I ultimately didn't really even use) Then I was exhausted because the night before his birthday I waited until everyone was asleep to decorate the living room with balloons and streamers and wrap his presents. He woke up early on his birthday so I started off with very little sleep and then I somehow messed up my back racing him in a bounce obstacle course. I was so exhausted and achy by the end of his birthday I couldn't help but notice that I'm not quite as youthful as I once used to be. :)
March still has plenty in store for us. My Dad is coming to visit in a few days, and then Easter of course. Also, hopefully some better news will come soon about where we are going to be living after this summer. Keep your fingers crossed.

Bix

This past week has been pretty sucky. We made one of the hardest decisions we've ever made. We gave Bixler away. Bixler was a member of our family for over 5 years and we loved him, but his behavior was impossible for us to deal with. Bix was always a pretty bad dog, always did bad things and was incredibly embarrassing, but we could manage. When we moved out here he became unmanageable. He was making our lives pretty miserable- chewing up toys, howling, peeing on EVERYTHING, pooping in the house, being aggressive towards other dogs, ripping apart garbage and leaving messes all over the house, which would then cause him to throw up, waking us up in the middle of the night constantly and eating food you were eating right out of your hands or off the of the table while I was preparing dinner to name a few. We literally tried everything possible- expensive personal trainers, babysitters, shock collars, bark collars, spray collars, choke collars, different diets, lime spray, progressive exposure to other dogs, kenneling, even prescribed anxiety medication, reading and educating ourselves about dog training and beagles as much as possible, but nothing was helping. He was either asleep or doing something bad. I have loved him so much in the past, but it was to a point where I just felt so much anger towards him at all times that I really felt like I hated him. Almost all my interactions with him turned into me screaming profanities at him or cleaning up pee or poop. He would make me so angry and I would carry that over on to the boys. I felt like I was going crazy- going from diaper duty, to feeding kids, to holding a screaming baby while simultaneously playing with a 3 year old is hard enough without having the constantly clean up and discipline a dog that would jump up onto the couch and pee on it while looking straight into your eyes. I couldn't take it. I'm already on the verge of being crazy, and he was pushing me over the edge.

Nick and I promised when we got Bixler that we would take care of him til the end. We swore that we would do anything for that dog. That if he say, got cancer or something, we would pay whatever to help him through it, that we would never leave him. When other people gave up their dogs I always looked at it like giving up your kid, like it was not compassionate, it was self centered, neglectful. I mean, why get a dog if you aren't going to take care of it? And because we both feel this way, we held on to Bixler through A LOT of rough times. When we first moved here I didn't even leave the house for months because animal control was threatening to take him away because he would howl if left home alone. We had to get a babysitter to come over with him so that we could even go to church. We found a trainer that helped him a lot, but none of the training seemed to stick. We eventually (with an insane amount of work) got him to stop barking when we left if we put a bark collar on him, but he started getting worse in other areas that we just couldn't train him out of. Bix was bad in every way, except with kids, and I loved to imagine them growing up together. Atlas has known Bixler his entire life! I would imagine Bixler hopefully getting more mellow in his old age, and Atlas growing strong enough to take him on walks. I never thought we would eventually be unable to care for Bixler.

 Beagles need a lot of exercise. They are incredibly playful. When we downsized into our small apartment he started going more crazy (as we all have). I really believe Bixler could be a good dog for someone who has a yard and maybe another dog friend. We believe he could start over, or at least hope there is someone out there that can take care of him, so we took him to the Providence Animal Rescue League or PARL. PARL is great because, unlike many dog shelters, they have no "expiration date." Dogs that are accepted there don't get euthanized after a certain time period if no one adopts them. They can live there forever if needs be. Because of this policy, they don't take just any dog. They evaluate the dog to see if they feel they can work with it and help it become adoptable. They have had Bixler since Tuesday now and are evaluating him. So, it is possible he could be rejected and come back to us, but I don't think (and hope) that he won't be.

 Nick took him away Tuesday and we all cried, all day long. Atlas was inconsolable for a time and I felt like the worst person (and mom) on Earth. We all feel like failures that we couldn't take care of him. Since then I have felt nearly every possible emotion: guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, loss, grief, but also a sense of calm, relief, peace. We took nearly a year and a half to make this decision, and I think we made the right decision, but we will always be greatly saddened by how it all turned out. I wish more than anything that it could have been different. We still care deeply for him, and call the shelter to check up and see how he is doing, and will continue to do so until he finds a new home, at which point we will pray our guts out that he will behave for them enough that they will keep him. Atlas seems to be totally fine now. Nick and I still find ourselves pretty depressed about it all, but I am feeling a little better every day. A big weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but a little piece of me got taken with it.

We went back to the Children's Museum after having not been there for a while and they had some new exhibits, which is always an exciting thing to discover.

Even a few of the old exhibits that Atlas had never paid attention to, he was now very interested in.

He loves to hide in the cave and the boys had a lot of fun trying to get away from me while I stuck my camera in the cave's cracks with my flash on and tried to photograph them.

Cosby had fun looking around while stuck to me.

Atlas has decided that Frosted Flakes is a daily necessity. I love his tired face and crazy bed head.

I took the boys to the library to see a puppet show, which Atlas loved.

Then Atlas put on his own puppet show.

Cosby discovered his tongue and stuck it out for a week straight.

I made the most delicious blueberry cream cheese cake.

Atlas is getting big enough to start doing some chores, and he likes it!

I was cooking and Nick was washing dishes and Cosby was getting fussy in his high chair, then I looked over and saw that Atlas had wheeled Cosby over to the movie shelves and was showing him all the movie covers and telling him all about the movies. Cosby was very interested.

He always has one foot up in the air.

He is in heaven since I started letting him eat baby food. He loves every new flavor I give him and gets so excited to eat. He even chews his food. He loves it so much, and I absolutely love watching him chow down.

Here's Atlas teaching Cosby how to play Sonic. For some reason the video blanks out a little after 2 minutes, but the first two minutes is good enough.


We had a busy day today. Atlas gave his first Primary talk, Nick taught Gospel Doctrine and I taught RS, then we came home and had a LONG family nap. We are missing Skyping with family tonight, but our laptop broke. Hopefully we will be able to again soon.