For Valentine's this year we:

 painted the snow red and purple

(well, this one has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, but Atlas looks awesome)

made sugar cookies

made a heart shaped pizza with with heart beets and pink pasta

ate dinner by candle light

and enjoyed a delicious strawberry cake while watching a redbox (Hotel Transylvania, wrong holiday I know)

Atlas loved passing out and receiving Valentine's at preschool. He made us some cute cards and he got a Darth Vader candy dispenser. Cosby got a baby toy and everyone was happy. A friend of mine sent me the cutest Valentine package ever from all the way across the country. It was a lovely day.

Cosby Update

Cosby is growing so fast. He is 5 months old now, and possibly the wiggliest baby on Earth. He is starting to love toys, playing with his feet and is getting pretty close to sitting on his own. He can roll over, but mostly chooses not to. He is awesome.

Last week our friend Sam took the bus from NYC to PVD to visit us. We all love Sam, and I love that Sam loves good food. We went out to a few great restaurants while he was here that we hadn't gotten around to eating at before. One restaurant was voted as having the best Mac&Cheese in the USA, so of course we had to try it. All the food we ate during the week was divine. If there is one thing Providence knows how to do right, it's food. Eating out with two tiny kids isn't the easiest thing in the world, but having another adult there made it much more worth it.

Other than eating out, we mostly just hung out in the house. We watched Ghost Busters and I made Slimer popcorn. Now Atlas keeps watching it over and can't stop singing the song.

I've been making all sorts of delicious things lately. These are possibly our new favorite dessert, Blueberry Marscapone and Creme Fraiche Hand Pies. Mmm, so good.

And of course, when we watched Ghostbusters II we made pink slime popcorn!

This weekend has been extra exciting with Nemo the blizzard. I can honestly say this was the craziest severe weather I have experienced. There were hurricane force winds blowing the snow, so the snow stuck to everything. This is our window. We are on the 2nd floor.

The day the storm hit was pretty calm in the morning. I was just exited Nick had the day off teaching and the whole city was basically shut down. We started the day off with some delicious pancakes and hung out waiting for the storm to hit. It was pretty uneventful.

Until the power went out. Which means the heat was out, our refrigerator was out, everything was out. It got cold really fast and was pitch black, but it was almost bed time so we just got ready by dragging Atlas's mattress onto the floor in our room, then read some books by flashlight and all cuddled in for the night. When we woke up there was still no power, and it wasn't too big of a deal as long as we stayed bundled up, (mostly just extremely boring) but it got dark around 5:00. I was making dinner by candle light and it was just about ready when the lights came back on. Nick, Atlas and I cheered so loudly that it woke up Cosby and made him cry. Our house was still warming up so we spent another night all bundled together.

The icicles are all crooked in every which way because of the crazy winds. There was even thunder and lightning during the storm. The snow is 2-3 feet deep, and there are now giant snow piles everywhere cause people have been shoveling. Our road still isn't ploughed. There is probably a good foot of packed snow on it. I just saw someone snowmobile down it a moment ago. Our cars are totally stuck. We aren't going anywhere for a while.

Atlas made his first snow(blob)man. His name is Sharpshooter. Bixler kept trying to eat his carrot nose.

Church was cancelled today. Traveling is still impossible for most. It was actually illegal to drive during the storm. People went crazy right before. I went to the store to make sure we were stocked up and there was literally no milk, no bread and no batteries to be found. A lot of gas stations ran out of gas. There are still a lot of people without power and heat and there have already been a few casualties. I am grateful that Nemo didn't do us too much damage and pray for the people still in need.

Update on me

I don't tend to talk about myself much. There's not a lot to talk about. I am a stay at home mom. What do I do all day? Talk to a three year old, nurse a baby, and try to coordinate naps and meals. Nothing too glamorous. But there is another reason I don't like to talk about me, and that's because I struggle. I have dealt with on-and-off depression since I was a child. Sometimes it is manageable, sometimes it is a nuisance,  sometimes it is crippling. As an adult I have also developed an intense anxiety disorder that also waxes and wanes. It has been full force, and fairly devastating since moving to Rhode Island. I lost friends, I gave up an art career, I became a full time mom, I had a miscarriage, I had a difficult pregnancy, I never go out with my husband, in fact, I never go out at all, we have no help with our children, we have lost all our money and savings and taken out student loans just to survive, I've gained weight, I've watched my mom completely forget who I am and struggle tremendously with her Alzheimers and watched my family dealing with that, I've felt very very alone, I've been put into a new culture that I am unfamiliar with and watched Nick flourish as I have simultaneously withered. I know I could have much bigger problems, but the combination of all these things happening roughly around the same time mixed with my already natural state of depression has really hurt me this time around. Why am I telling you this? I can't hide it any more. Part of getting over anxiety is trying not to be anxious about having it. I have to try to love myself by letting myself be true to myself, and this is it. I am on a journey to get well right now. I see a therapist, I have homework, I read self help books, I practice cognitive therapy, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week, I practice relaxation techniques, I eat healthy etc etc etc. I am working so hard right now to try to make myself a better person. A depressed and anxious mom is not a good thing. I don't ever want to get out of bed. Most days I could lay in a dark room the entire day. I make myself function day to day for my family. I put on airs that nothing is wrong, and that's good to do in front of a three year old, but it's exhausting to do all the time. Sometimes I get in a funk and I don't want to do things like post on my blog, but I experience extreme anxiety about it (like everything else). I feel like I am disappointing someone, when no one really read this anyways. I tell myself all these horrible things about myself because I don't want to do something as trivial as writing a blog post and it can throw me into a crazy spiral of depression. So I guess I am writing a post to calm my anxiety about not posting in a while and explain why in some sense, but mostly because I know that in order to overcome myself I have to face myself and part of that is letting people know what is going on rather than pretending and feeling shame about my problems. I don't want to feel shame, and I shouldn't. I have to look straight into the eyes of my fears in order for them to disappear. I tend to isolate myself when I am down and (which has been pretty easy to do since moving here) and it just compounds the problem. There are still a lot of insecurities ahead in our future. The big one, obviously is where we will be living next. Nick has applied to 6 programs and we are just waiting to see where we will end up for the next 5 years of our lives. It is very hard for me not to be very scared of all the changes. I mostly just try not to think about it. Moving here was very hard for me, and I really hope that wherever we go next will be a little easier. At least, maybe I will know what to expect a little better. Until then I am just going to be moving along, trying to become a better person day by day. If you read this you are obviously a close friend or family member and I want you to know what I am dealing with and would be happy to talk to you more about it if you have any questions. Sometimes I don't answer the phone (ok, I never answer the phone) and I don't smile too often. It's not cause I don't love you. Sorry if I drop off the face of the Earth now and again. I appreciate everyone who sticks around anyway :)