Update on me

I don't tend to talk about myself much. There's not a lot to talk about. I am a stay at home mom. What do I do all day? Talk to a three year old, nurse a baby, and try to coordinate naps and meals. Nothing too glamorous. But there is another reason I don't like to talk about me, and that's because I struggle. I have dealt with on-and-off depression since I was a child. Sometimes it is manageable, sometimes it is a nuisance,  sometimes it is crippling. As an adult I have also developed an intense anxiety disorder that also waxes and wanes. It has been full force, and fairly devastating since moving to Rhode Island. I lost friends, I gave up an art career, I became a full time mom, I had a miscarriage, I had a difficult pregnancy, I never go out with my husband, in fact, I never go out at all, we have no help with our children, we have lost all our money and savings and taken out student loans just to survive, I've gained weight, I've watched my mom completely forget who I am and struggle tremendously with her Alzheimers and watched my family dealing with that, I've felt very very alone, I've been put into a new culture that I am unfamiliar with and watched Nick flourish as I have simultaneously withered. I know I could have much bigger problems, but the combination of all these things happening roughly around the same time mixed with my already natural state of depression has really hurt me this time around. Why am I telling you this? I can't hide it any more. Part of getting over anxiety is trying not to be anxious about having it. I have to try to love myself by letting myself be true to myself, and this is it. I am on a journey to get well right now. I see a therapist, I have homework, I read self help books, I practice cognitive therapy, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week, I practice relaxation techniques, I eat healthy etc etc etc. I am working so hard right now to try to make myself a better person. A depressed and anxious mom is not a good thing. I don't ever want to get out of bed. Most days I could lay in a dark room the entire day. I make myself function day to day for my family. I put on airs that nothing is wrong, and that's good to do in front of a three year old, but it's exhausting to do all the time. Sometimes I get in a funk and I don't want to do things like post on my blog, but I experience extreme anxiety about it (like everything else). I feel like I am disappointing someone, when no one really read this anyways. I tell myself all these horrible things about myself because I don't want to do something as trivial as writing a blog post and it can throw me into a crazy spiral of depression. So I guess I am writing a post to calm my anxiety about not posting in a while and explain why in some sense, but mostly because I know that in order to overcome myself I have to face myself and part of that is letting people know what is going on rather than pretending and feeling shame about my problems. I don't want to feel shame, and I shouldn't. I have to look straight into the eyes of my fears in order for them to disappear. I tend to isolate myself when I am down and (which has been pretty easy to do since moving here) and it just compounds the problem. There are still a lot of insecurities ahead in our future. The big one, obviously is where we will be living next. Nick has applied to 6 programs and we are just waiting to see where we will end up for the next 5 years of our lives. It is very hard for me not to be very scared of all the changes. I mostly just try not to think about it. Moving here was very hard for me, and I really hope that wherever we go next will be a little easier. At least, maybe I will know what to expect a little better. Until then I am just going to be moving along, trying to become a better person day by day. If you read this you are obviously a close friend or family member and I want you to know what I am dealing with and would be happy to talk to you more about it if you have any questions. Sometimes I don't answer the phone (ok, I never answer the phone) and I don't smile too often. It's not cause I don't love you. Sorry if I drop off the face of the Earth now and again. I appreciate everyone who sticks around anyway :)