Update on me

I don't tend to talk about myself much. There's not a lot to talk about. I am a stay at home mom. What do I do all day? Talk to a three year old, nurse a baby, and try to coordinate naps and meals. Nothing too glamorous. But there is another reason I don't like to talk about me, and that's because I struggle. I have dealt with on-and-off depression since I was a child. Sometimes it is manageable, sometimes it is a nuisance,  sometimes it is crippling. As an adult I have also developed an intense anxiety disorder that also waxes and wanes. It has been full force, and fairly devastating since moving to Rhode Island. I lost friends, I gave up an art career, I became a full time mom, I had a miscarriage, I had a difficult pregnancy, I never go out with my husband, in fact, I never go out at all, we have no help with our children, we have lost all our money and savings and taken out student loans just to survive, I've gained weight, I've watched my mom completely forget who I am and struggle tremendously with her Alzheimers and watched my family dealing with that, I've felt very very alone, I've been put into a new culture that I am unfamiliar with and watched Nick flourish as I have simultaneously withered. I know I could have much bigger problems, but the combination of all these things happening roughly around the same time mixed with my already natural state of depression has really hurt me this time around. Why am I telling you this? I can't hide it any more. Part of getting over anxiety is trying not to be anxious about having it. I have to try to love myself by letting myself be true to myself, and this is it. I am on a journey to get well right now. I see a therapist, I have homework, I read self help books, I practice cognitive therapy, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week, I practice relaxation techniques, I eat healthy etc etc etc. I am working so hard right now to try to make myself a better person. A depressed and anxious mom is not a good thing. I don't ever want to get out of bed. Most days I could lay in a dark room the entire day. I make myself function day to day for my family. I put on airs that nothing is wrong, and that's good to do in front of a three year old, but it's exhausting to do all the time. Sometimes I get in a funk and I don't want to do things like post on my blog, but I experience extreme anxiety about it (like everything else). I feel like I am disappointing someone, when no one really read this anyways. I tell myself all these horrible things about myself because I don't want to do something as trivial as writing a blog post and it can throw me into a crazy spiral of depression. So I guess I am writing a post to calm my anxiety about not posting in a while and explain why in some sense, but mostly because I know that in order to overcome myself I have to face myself and part of that is letting people know what is going on rather than pretending and feeling shame about my problems. I don't want to feel shame, and I shouldn't. I have to look straight into the eyes of my fears in order for them to disappear. I tend to isolate myself when I am down and (which has been pretty easy to do since moving here) and it just compounds the problem. There are still a lot of insecurities ahead in our future. The big one, obviously is where we will be living next. Nick has applied to 6 programs and we are just waiting to see where we will end up for the next 5 years of our lives. It is very hard for me not to be very scared of all the changes. I mostly just try not to think about it. Moving here was very hard for me, and I really hope that wherever we go next will be a little easier. At least, maybe I will know what to expect a little better. Until then I am just going to be moving along, trying to become a better person day by day. If you read this you are obviously a close friend or family member and I want you to know what I am dealing with and would be happy to talk to you more about it if you have any questions. Sometimes I don't answer the phone (ok, I never answer the phone) and I don't smile too often. It's not cause I don't love you. Sorry if I drop off the face of the Earth now and again. I appreciate everyone who sticks around anyway :)

These two are becoming good friends. I love it. Atlas is always entertaining Cosby and sometimes he can get him to stop crying better than I can. When we travel in the car, Atlas takes it upon himself to play with, hold hands, and keep Cosby's binky in so that he will be happy.

I haven't posted in a while. I have been busy organizing all our old photos and uploading them to Flikr and January has been fairly boring, although we did make a trip to the MassMoCA which was amazing and I am going to post photos on Facebook right now. Also, yesterday I went to Boston all by myself to see a play. Driving up there alone was a source of great anxiety for me and I feel like I am somehow more of a grownup now. :)

 We just returned to Rhode Island from a two week trip to Utah to see our families for the Holidays. My mom is now living in a nursing home and it was good to finally see her and where she lives. My grandma is also there. I got to introduce Cosby to my mom for the first time. (Well, to basically everyone for the first time)

We stayed at my parent's house. The first full day we were there we got some pizza and decorated the Christmas tree. Atlas loves his cousins.

The boys spent a lot of time playing Super Smash Bros.

The kids all teamed up to wrestle Grandpa.

After all the fun, I went grocery shopping with Meg. It was fun to kick it around Harmon's with her. The next day, Lauren and I threw a bridal shower for Meg with a bunch of our aunts and some cousins. I spent all morning cooking soups. It was nice to see some family.

Everywhere you turn, on either side of my family, there are babies abounding.

There is no shortage of playmates.

The next day we blessed Cosby.

It was great to see so many of the awesome guys in our families together.

The next day we spent Christmas Eve at the Potter House where we eat dinner and play lots of games that I suck at.

Atlas woke up Christmas morning and opened up his presents, which mostly consisted of video games.

Cosby was fascinated by his new play mat.

Soon, cousins came over and Atlas got to help them unwrap their presents from Grandpa.

The oldest three got matching scooters. Now they can form a scooter gang.

We got so much snow! It was beautiful. We spent a lot of the day after Christmas shoveling show and getting ready for....

Megan and Michael's wedding. The day was absolutely crazy for me, but really fun to see my baby sis get married in the Salt Lake Temple.

My boys looked pretty good.

It was an exhausting day.

I even had to speak at the dinner.

The cake was delicious and I ended up eating leftover cake pretty much every single day until we came home. I am now having cake withdrawals.

We were able to catch up with some seriously awesome friends.

But we had to cancel with quite a few cause our boys got sick again. So we spent the last few days with family, which was great. Look at all these Potter boy cousins (no girls yet.)

The last full day we were there was Nick's birthday so we went out for a night on the town. It was so nice to be able to spend some time together, cause that's just something we don't get to do out here. It's always nice and rejuvenating to see so many people and have some people around to love our kids. Hopefully we will be able to return in the summer.

I haven't done a post in a while. I tried to do one a week or so ago and blogger told me that I had to start paying to blog because I had uploaded too many photos! So, I waited until I figured out a way around it all. You will have to excuse my lower quality photos from now on, since they are smaller sizes, they take up less space so I can post more.

My green hair has come and gone. I really liked it, but it kept fading. After dying it three times, I decided to abandon it and dye my hair a more respectable shade for my little sister's upcoming wedding. It is now the usual very dark brown.

Cosby is a total drool factory, so we have to force him to wear his cape backwards all the time.

Atlas loves blocks a lot lately. He builds bad guys and good guys, robots, monsters and machines. (And still never wears pants)

He is too cool for school.

I love this little gremlin face.

Everyone keeps saying he looks like Nick, but I don't see it that much.

Here he is modeling in his sleep.

He likes to suck his fingers, but we have been trying to swap that out for a binky, because later on down the road, I can take away a binky, but I can't take away his fingers. (I saw too many kids with messed up teeth from thumb sucking when I worked at the dentist)

He had a hard time keeping it in his mouth at first, but he is getting the hang of it. Here he is holding it in his own mouth.

All Nick does is read. Lots of times he carries Cosby so that I can cook dinner or take care of Atlas.

We went to see Santa at a little sweets shop. Atlas liked it (at least before and afterwards), but was very shy. He wouldn't even look at the camera. He didn't sit on his lap, but he did stand in front of him and mumble while looking at the ground for a while.

There was also a face painter there doing Christmas face paintings, but Atlas requested Batman.

He loved it, but right when we got home it was nap time.

And he woke up like this.

Not even a bath would take it all off.